The Language Barrier

I know a modest amount of Italian. I can speak in the all the past and future tenses, I can form hypothetical phrases, and I possess an ever-increasing vocabulary of oddly specific Italian words.

Those metal blinds they pull down over storefronts at night to keep out looters? Saracinesche.
To put a cast on someone's arm? Ingessare.
The @ sign? Chiocciola.

This rudimentary knowledge gives me an undeserved sense of confidence, but ultimately leaves me comically inept when any of the following situations arises:

• Somebody asks me for directions
• I need to ask somebody for directions
• The ticket machine in the subway eats my monthly pass
• I order a coffee and the barista asks me a question other than "grande o piccolo?"

*Usage note: "Pochino" means "a small amount" of something. "Bocchino" means "blowjob." These two words sound dangerously similar, especially when pronounced by a foreigner. Consider yourself warned.